there's a first for everything

I still haven’t eaten yet, I lied when I said I was going to go find food earlier…and I didn’t even call Jonathan, because right when I got off the computer, Brittany Carr calls me! And we definitely updated each other on life while she’s in Colorado): I’ve missed her, she was the bestest cutest cheerleading babygirl ever<3 I’m always going to miss having her around so much! I’m glad she’s having a good time in Colorado though and that she’s not hating the place she has to live now(= yeah, so I haven’t eaten, and I haven’t called Jonathan…I would go do both right now, but my stomach just stopped acting hungry, so I’m not gonna eat &I’ll just wait for Jonathan to call me later when he gets back from Nebraska, mhm.

Finally, everything is out. I’m done holding it in, I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it in me, but now it’s all out and I’m so glad and done. I couldn’t even mention something about it anywhere on my blog posts or MySpace or anything because it’d be known that I knew. I’m surprised I even kept so much in for so long, it was A LOT to hear and take. So I’m glad I was occupied the days following when I found out about it. I’m breathing and talking about it without shaking and sniffling now and no more goose bumps and chills runs down me anymore. I am currently over it, I’m wanting so much more but that’s not what I’m getting. So since I’ve always been just taking what I could get, I was going to keep doing that, but I’ve realized I can hold standards for what I want to take. I don’t have to settle for less. This is ridiculous, and I have never been more right about something. And it’s actually the one thing I wanted to be so wrong about. I don’t have anything to believe anymore, and nothing can prove me otherwise. Trust is broken and funny thing is, I’ve trusted everything, all of it, all along. It was just never believed in ME that I really trusted the situation, but I did. And now its forsure shown that I trusted everything I had to go through. Everyone definitely needs to read between the lines through the spaces that has so much more importance than what’s actually there in front of you. Over thinking and negativity definitely has it’s pluses in the end; it prepares you for the worst, and you don’t get disappointed, even if you are, you expected it &that 1% of positive hope becomes useless and wrong.
Man oh man, I was hoping I’d be leaning towards something, but I’m STILL not. No matter how much I want to, I’m just fucking not, yet. I’ve never cried more about it today, and I’ve come to realize…I’ve never been cheated on before. Congratulations, you’re the first, basically, everything. AND I still miss you. Am I fucking stupid or WHAT?